Narcissus

At what point does an existential crisis become self-indulgent bullshit? I have asked myself this question a million times so I think I might’ve crossed whatever line there is between crisis and bullshit a while back. And yet, here I am, asking the same question again hoping for a different answer. It’s tiring.

I blame stories. Stories lie to you and give you hope when the truth is, you’d probably be better off without it. You’re told that you will figure life out and your problems will be about stuff like bills and taxes and paying for children’s college tuitions (if having children is your thing). What the stories don’t tell you is that you could be way past that quarter life crisis and still be questioning everything. Or well, there are stories about that as well but generally around people who haven’t figured their work lives out or something like that.

What if you’ve spent all this time trying to understand and sort out your work life only to come to realise that it’s not enough. All that struggle to get where you want to be and when you’re there, and you’re still struggling, it turns out you’re still hollow and empty on the inside. This festering wound that won’t heal but instead threatens to consume whatever light you’ve managed to wrestle into your life.

So, you find yourself listening to John Mayer again and being an asshole, right? But you tell yourself it doesn’t matter because everyone around you was an asshole first. At least that’s what it feels like. You know that thing of if you think none of your friends are assholes it’s because you’re the asshole friend? Well, what if you think all of your friends are assholes? Does that still make you the asshole or does it just make you right? Or maybe wrong? I mean, if you’re listening to John Mayer and taking his words as advice the chances of you being wrong are probably higher than the chances of you being right. So, yeah ok, you’re the asshole. No, everyone’s an asshole. Just sticking with that one. This is not a crisis it’s self-indulgent bullshit, remember? Might as well make the most of the ‘indulgent’.

What’s the point of this? There isn’t one, love. It’s just words. It’s just words without hope. And sometimes that’s all you have.

Timothy the Young

There was no dark lord to defeat. This, according to Timothy, was the key problem in his life. It was a disappointing truth to have to accept at the age of 12. For as long as he could remember, he’d dreamed of valiantly riding into battle, cutting down endless soldiers and then defeating the evil dark lord in one final, awesome, duel. This way he would finally bring peace to the land and save his people from certain doom. Oh, in case you didn’t know, in these dreams Timothy was the liege to a host of hardworking, yet frightened people. The dark lord had been spreading devastation and destruction, the usual spiel, in the nearby lands. Timothy protected his people as long as he could but finally, when the dark lord set his eyes upon Timothy’s lands, the young yet capable king had to act to protect his people. So, he gathered a host of brave young men and women (Timothy wasn’t sexist, his parents were raising him better than that), and rode to battle and defeated the dark lord, and won the hearts of all those around him. His life instantly improved, as did everybody else’s. And he had countless other adventures after that, of course.

But you see, in life, there was no dark lord to defeat and this sucked. Timothy’s biggest problem at the moment was that he had to finish his biology homework, which he didn’t want to do because instead he wanted to read the latest instalment of The King Killer Chronicles. He was more than halfway through the book and the big final battle was looming. Timothy wanted to read his book and spend the rest of the evening imagining the battle. But instead he had to learn about plants. He couldn’t read his book and there was no dark lord to defeat. Life really was terrible.

Little did Timothy know it was about to get a lot worse. He was about to hit puberty.

Edith

I have all these things to say. I have all these things to say but I cannot say them here now because it is inappropriate to lay one’s soul bare somewhere someone might actually find it. I could disguise it in a weak attempt at poetry or a story where the protagonist’s name is one syllable away from mine. I could write about it as something that happened to a friend or something I read about in a book some time. I could be brave and empowering and say ‘this is my story and I don’t care who reads it’ but, as I said earlier, that’s inappropriate.

I could reach out to a friend. Let those guards down. No more pretend.

But unguarded castles are raided, or worse, captured. So, the Captain gets the same command as always – constant vigilance.

I could make revelations to those inside the castle. But that would be irresponsible. You let no one know the Queen is crazy.

What about those voices in my head? Hmm, now you’re talking!

Well, they’re talking. Fighting. Edith’s a bitch. You can’t trust anyone.

Edith’s taking over. She doesn’t care about being inappropriate. We’ll call it EXPERIMENTAL!

No! Stop!

Oh, John, you were always the voice of reason. The puss-

Shut up, Edith.

I’m hitting publish!

Edith, no!

Too late!

Edith, plea-.

Speak Out – #MuslimBan

One of my best friends said to me over coffee yesterday, “there’s no point in being this upset about such a big problem. You can’t change it.” Bless him, he meant well didn’t want me to continue being miserable. But this is an appeal to anyone who doesn’t see why some of us, though unaffected (so far) by Trump’s Muslim Ban are speaking out, and are unable to fathom the sheer absurdity of what’s going on.

You see, my outrage, my misery and my sheer disbelief are feelings I am experience without intention. But my speaking out on social media and sharing information are actions with intention. My intention is to show solidarity. My intention is to display sympathy. My intention is to engage in ideological debate about the alarmingly nationalistic sentiments spreading across the world.

I’m currently privileged enough to pursue a PhD in the UK at one of the foremost departments in my field. The thought of being barred from my life here, something academics in the US are now facing, is unbearable to me. The possibility that I might be denied a visa or a job opportunity or equal service at a restaurant owing to the colour of my skin is something I face regularly. So, when the President of the United States of America issues an unconstitutional, inhumane policy against people of a certain religion, it foregrounds my “minority” boundary. It should foreground yours too. Whether you’re a woman, a person of colour, a religious minority, or whether you’re friends with anyone who is one of such “labels”, you should speak out. People are suffering. Families are separated. Kindness is threatened. Please, speak out.

The struggle with myself

Life of a Maladroit Ambivert.

Disclaimer: I absolutely vouch for staying healthy and getting some physical exercise but only for a healthy lifestyle and absolutely nothing more.

I sometimes wonder, how many times in a day we are told, “you have too many pimples or you must not get tanned, start dressing like your gender and the one that I have to personally deal with the most – you’ve put on too much weight.” For quite a few years, I’ve been this chubby goof ball who is trying to bring a smile to everyone’s faces. In the bargain, I’ve only been told “stop sitting like a guy, cover yourself up more so that your fat is not seen, start being more feminine and the list only goes on. Everyone kept asking me, “How do you exude so much confidence?”

Today, I’ll tell you what my mind deals with every single day of my life.

I’ve…

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November Music Favourites

I haven’t done one of these in a while. Well, I haven’t posted anything in a while so it’s not that surprising. Anyway, here we go. My favourite tracks on heavy rotation in November:

1.  Bon Iver – Skinny Love

2. Tejas – Ruby

3. Tom Odell – Grow Old With Me

4. Catfish and The Bottlemen – Glasgow

Unfortunately I can’t find a better version. Here’s an Apple Music link, in case you have that.

5. The Maccabees – Toothpaste Kisses

There you have it. What do you think? Make me a playlist in the comments? Let’s share mixtapes.

Daily Prompt: Mythical

 

He was kind like a mother

He was gentle like a lover

He was charming like another

He was intelligent like her brother

He made love like a sinner

He lived life like a winner

He raced through her mind like she was a dreamer

He was mythical. Like her.

via Daily Prompt: Mythical

My Favourite Links – August

I visited the desert. I wanted to tell you all about the arid black cracked earth and the endless horizon where you could almost see the curve of the earth and the endangered wild asses galloping away and the hot sun turning my skin to toast while the wind whipped my hair into psychedelic, annoying shapes. But I’m not feeling it. Instead, here’s five of my favourite internet links from this month:

Yoga with Adriene

This girl know how to make yoga fun and relaxing! The best part is that she’s very positive about everyone doing what they’re comfortable with. She’s got a nice sense of humour, a calming voice and a friendly face that’ll keep you motivated. So, if you’re thinking of trying out a little yoga, I’d definitely suggest starting here.

Cabochon Hotel, Bangkok

I recently rediscovered this charming-looking apartment hotel in Bangkok. Look at that common room! I can imagine the creativity buzzing all around on a smoky Saturday night as artists and beatniks lounge about (well, it’s more likely be full of hipsters). Read more about it here.

Lonely Girl Pancakes

I feel this could be a book I write about my life so far. I kid. I kid. I’m not that lonely. I do love pancakes though and this does seem like a great single-serving recipe. Find it here.

University Packing List

I’m heading to uni again in a month, after a break of around 5 years! It’s going to be difficult but I’m pretty excited. While looking around for preparatory resources, I came across this great Packing List from the Student Room website. It’s pretty detailed so it saves me the trouble of starting from scratch (unlike the pancakes). Hope it helps you too.

22 Places in the UK that a Jane Austen Fan Must-See

I recently re-watched and re-read Emma for a Jane Austen book club my friends and I started. It’s wonderful how fresh the book feels each time I read it. I can’t believe I’d missed Mr Knightly’s animosity towards Frank Churchill on my previous reads. It’s so clear and apparent right from the start! I found Frank unbearable this time. What an annoying character! I also felt a little sorry for Mr Elton. He married such an awful woman I’m afraid he shall have no peace. Anyway, it was enough to make me look up this Buzzfeed post and add many of the places listed to my bucket list. Hopefully you’ll find something interesting there as well.

Until next time then!

A Beginning

Hey. I’ve been away. I’ve been falling in love, growing, changing, getting angry, asking questions, finding answers, mourning, laughing, and rejoicing. I’m now letting peace wash over me, gently. I’ve finished with the Wheel of Time series and it has been a monumental and life changing journey. Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson took me away, held me in their clutches for the ride of my life, and finally let me go today. It’s been, without a shadow of a doubt, the best reading experience of my life.

If you didn’t get any of this, just know that I’ll return to more normal blogging soon. Thanks for staying with me.

And finally:

May you always find shade, Brandon Sanderson.

May the last embrace of the mother welcome you home, Mr Jordan.

In Melakka

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If you look at it long enough, this might just make a nice photo prompt for your next post.